Whisper
by AlidaHush
Summary: Post The Killer In Me. Spike and Buffy learn a much needed lesson in trust.
1. Chapter One

"Whisper"

By: WickedFrex

Disclaimer: Yeah, you know, I'm not that creative. They belong to Joss. Yada, yada, yada...

Chapter One

"After The Fall"

At the edge of his consciousness, he saw her standing there. She looked nervous, even if all he saw was a blur. He wanted to cry out to her. All he wanted to do was scream. He wanted to let the world know how much it hurt. How it ripped through him like electricity and made everything burn. But he couldn't. Didn't have the strength. So, instead, he steeled himself as another wave of agony ripped through his skull. His vision, such as it was, grayed out again and he found white hot light flashing behind his closed eyelids.

For a moment he was floating. Blissfully floating. He could see nothing, hear nothing and best of all, feel nothing. He was numb and it was the best feeling he had felt all night...

But, it didn't last long. Something jerked him awake. A pressure at his elbow. It was only then that he felt the cold beneath his skull. He heard the muffled voices of men as they bustled about behind him. And Buffy. Where was Buffy? He couldn't feel her anymore. He couldn't sense her like he had before.

Oh, God, Buffy...

His thoughts quickly rose to alarm and he felt himself squirm and writhe, willing himself to move. She had left him. Alone. With the Initiative at his back, she had left him there.

"...give him another dose." a voice snapped close to his ear. He felt two strong arms grip him, trying to steady his movements. He felt himself being forcefully pressed back into the cold metal behind his head. It only made him struggle more. He wasn't going down without a fight. Not this time. Not again.

He growled low in his throat, trying desperately to free himself. But, he was weak and the only thing that came out was a muffled groan. He had nothing left to fight with. He was sapped and the only thing left to do was give up. And that's what he did. With a pitiful thud, he fell back against the gurney and waited. He wished Buffy hadn't left him. And at the same time, realized how childish it was for him to think that. What happened to the Big Bad? Where was the monster?

Being fried inside your bloody skull, apparently. He thought, smiling to himself. Along with what's left of you. His mind added, making him shut his eyes tighter. He hated his conscience. That's all the soul was. A voice. Something deep inside of him that was telling him what was right and wrong. And it was what was killing him. Not the chip. Not the jolts of pain coursing through his brain. But the soul. It told him that for a hundred years he had been wrong. And it was telling him now that it was right to die this way. For all the pain, he should die...

"Spike?" the sharp voice was back, cutting through his clouded thoughts to bring him back to reality. The scenery had changed. He was in a white room, which wasn't very white anymore. It looked old. He must still be in the Initiative. And that voice must be..

He jumped as a hand circled his bicep. "Hey, it's O.K. Just relax." the man said, releasing the pressure against his skin. How could he relax? He didn't even know what was going on.

"Buffy..." he whispered softly, begging for her to walk into the line of what was left of his vision. The hand loosed again and then left all together. His arm was cold again. He tried to look around, tried to lift his head. But he found that none of his neck muscles would work. A soft moan of defeat passed through his lips.

The hand returned, this time touching his wrist gently. Was that the soldier's job? Comfort the demon? Make sure he doesn't scream bloody murder while they violate his mind again? He blinked. Once. Twice. The clouds were still there, but he could at least make out the man...no, boy. He was young. About the age he himself was when he was turned...

"What's goin' on?" Spike asked, his lips not quite forming the words. The soldier's eyes went back to his and he squeezed Spike's wrist reassuringly.

"It's alright. We're almost through. Just relax." the boy repeated, his voice holding neither comfort nor hatred. Spike settled on the idea that that was his job. They paid him to hold vampires' hands. Spike laughed slightly at the idea. He got a strange look from the boy before his eyes went back to whatever they were looking at before. Spike felt his own eyes grow heavy. Speaking, just those words, had taken his energy away. He smiled a bit, at nothing really, and then, slipped blissfully into unconsciousness.


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two

"Listen To Me"

"What do I have to do?" Buffy asked, arms crossed over her chest. The doctor shrugged and motioned toward the door he had come out of.

"He'll be out of it for a while. We had to drug him pretty good."

"Is he alright? I mean...did you...?" she couldn't find the words, but the doctor knew what she meant. He smiled.

"He's fine, ma'am. The operation went as planned." the doctor smiled again and crossed his own arms. Buffy tried her best to smile back, but her face showed only worry. Why was she so worried? It was Spike. The Bounce-Backiest of all Bounce-Backers. The ultimate evil pain in her ass. And yet she worried.

"If you'd like, you can take him topside in about a hour or so. He should be alright by then." the doctor offered. "I'll have some of the guys escort you back."

Buffy nodded her thanks and uncrossed her arms. Her palms were suddenly sweaty. Nervous? God, why was she nervous?

"Can I...um...is he O.K?" Buffy motioned toward the door, just as the doctor had done. After a moment's hesitation, he nodded and opened it for her. She smiled slightly and headed through. As she walked into the little room, the doctor took her by the arm, making her jump.

"Ma'am, just...don't say too much. He isn't really comprehending anything quite yet." he informed her, glancing at the vampire on the gurney. Buffy shot him a worried look and he shook his head. "It's nothing like that. It's just the drugs. Like I said, we had to give him quite a bit."

Buffy looked at Spike and walked to his side. He look helpless, just laying there. He look vulnerable and he looked dead. He reminded her of all the dead bodies on CSI and ER. The ones that weren't supposed to get up...

Spike sighed softly, shifting briefly as his eyes opened. He must have sensed her. But, then again, if he was so drugged up, how could he sense anything at all? His eyelids fluttered for a moment, almost as if he were in panic mode. Blue eyes darted around the room as best they could and when they landed on her, he squinted.

"Hey." she said softly, reaching out and touching his arm lightly. He didn't move. "You O.K?"

He turned his head gingerly, as if testing the muscles in his neck. Confusion crossed his face and a weak hand reached up from his side to touch his head. Quickly, Buffy reached out and caught it before he could reach his target.

"Hey. Don't do that." she whispered, his eyes back on her again. "Just rest, okay?"

"Buffy..." he mumbled, eyes searching her face for something. She wasn't quite sure what it was. He look momentarily lost, though. "What's happening?" he tried, voice cracking from lack of use.

"Don't worry about it yet. Just trust me." she replied. She heard the doctor say something. She didn't know what he said. Spike still looked confused and, quite frankly, stoned. He didn't understand. She needed to ground him before the panic started up again.

"Spike?"

His eyes snapped to her face.

"Do you trust me?"

After a moment's pause he squinted. Was he trying to see her better? Then, he nodded very slightly.

"Yes."


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

"Hold On To Me"

It was only a little before dawn when his eyes finally fluttered open again. He twitched slightly and drank in his surroundings. Dark, cold, empty. He sighed inwardly, realizing that he was back where he had started. Back in her basement. Back in the house that had never been open to him. Back to the woman who he'd never understand. He didn't remember much of what had happened. He could only remember small pieces. Glimpses and flashes. But he did remember the chip. He remembered the cold piece of metal being slipped into his palm.

"Time for you to be a man, Spike." she had said. He was weak. He was small and he had little energy to protest. Even still. He couldn't believe what was happening.

"How do you know I wont be a monster?"

"I told you I trust you. Now you have to trust me."

He was jolted back to reality as a sliver of light danced down the stairs to his right.

I'm fine. Go back upstairs, Buffy. He thought to himself, wishing he could just say the words and be done with it. His head ached and all he wanted was to drift back into a deep sleep. It was lovely not feeling anything. But he heard her coming. He felt the sharp sounds of boots on wood resound in his hearing and before he could decide what to do, she was by his side. He turned his head, the dull ache picking up to a pitiful roar. She looked grave. Tired. No...she looked exhausted.

"Hey." Buffy said, forcing a smile onto her lips. She knelt down so that she was level with him. For some reason it was comforting for him to be eye to eye with her.

"Hey." he replied, no emotion behind the words. It was just a greeting. He wanted so much for it to be a sending as well.

"How ya doing?" she asked off-handedly, putting her hands over her knees. Spike closed his eyes again and slowly took stock. Nothing really hurt but his head. He was just so tired.

"Fine." Spike lied, eyes still closed.

"Are you hungry?"

"No."

"Alright." Buffy said softly, standing and turning to face the stairs. As he heard her boots hit wood, a small voice inside cried out to have her come back...

"Buffy..." Spike called after her. He realized after he said it that it sounded desperate. He hated sounding desperate. She turned back and looked down over the banister, a questioning look on her face.

"Thank you." he whispered. And through the darkness, he could see the small sliver of light illuminating her face. She was smiling. It was a tired and weak smile, but it was sincere. And even though she couldn't see him, he smiled too.

"Get some sleep, Spike. The girls will be back tonight."

And that's exactly what he did. He slept. And he dreamed of her...


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four

"Back To Basics"

He was sitting with his back up against the wall when she finally had the time to walk down and check on him. His eyes were half closed and he had a knee drawn up to his chest. She tried to be quiet, but he knew she was coming. He always knew. He smiled slightly, opening his eyes and pushing his head from off the wall.

"Hey. Sorry. Hope I didn't wake you." she said softly, trying to sound normal. She laughed at the thought. Normal? In the Summers house? It had been a long time since normal happened.

"No. S'alright. Wasn't sleeping." he admitted, pushing his body to the edge of the cot and letting his feet drop to the floor. It was only then that he noticed the mug she was holding. He hated that. He hated her having to feed him. For some reason, it just seemed strange and...repulsive to him. At least at that moment. He felt like he should be doing things on his own.

"Brought you some blood. In case you were hungry." she cocked the little mug slightly before setting it on a stack of boxes near the cot. Spike nodded and smiled half-heartedly. He was grateful for the gesture. He didn't want to tell her 'No'.

A moment of silence ensued. Spike hated silence. He always had to be moving or talking. One or the other. He couldn't be doing nothing. It wasn't in his nature. So, he remedied the issue by breaking the cold sharp nothingness that hung in the air.

"So," he began, looking at Buffy and curling a foot back up onto the bed. "The girls coming back tonight?"

Buffy shook her head, "Actually, Giles called. They'll be here within an hour." she said matter-of-factly. She saw Spike visibly tense. She looked him up and down. Was that pain?

"Right." he sighed, his foot finding the floor again. No. It wasn't pain. He was uncomfortable. He was fidgeting. Realization hit her like a mack truck. It was that same mack truck that propelled her to Spike's side. As she sat down on the edge of the cot, she watched Spike's nervous eyes follow her.

"It's O.K. They wont bother you."

"Not worried 'bout that, pet." he said, his voice letting her know exactly what he did mean. He closed his eyes and turned to face the stairs. He tooka deep breathe before opening them again.

"I know what your worried about, " she said simply, watching his eyes dart back to her in a flurry of blue. "And you don't have to be."

"You don't know that." he replied, a hint of anger tinging the edges of his voice. Buffy sighed.

"Spike, listen to me..."

"Buffy..." he steamed. Impatience was taking over his tone. She tried to speak again. He cut her off by launching off the cot and pacing toward the far end of the basement in visable anger.

"I'm dangerous, Buffy," he paused for a moment, trying hard to find the words. "You know it, I know it. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna hurt anyone. I can't. Not again." he sighed, placing his hands at his hips and looking down at his bare feet.

"It was killing you, Spike." she replied gently, determined to make him see. He just shook his head.

"You don' understand. I'm not helpless anymore. You let Spike off that leash and now I can be killer. I can" his eyes slammed shut and he was suddenly silenced as a wave of nausea overtook his body. His head swam. He felt his knees go weak and he quickly found the wall to steady himself. He flinched when he felt her warm hands ancircle his arm.

"Spike?" she reached out and touched the side of his head. There was nothing sensual about the gesture. It was purely to check for injury. But even as she did it, she knew what was wrong with him. Major brain surgery would make anyone dizzy. he was getting angry/excited/pissed off. That wasn't exactly prescribed.

"I'm fine...I just...I'll be fine." he said, struggling to be free from her touch. Buffy didn't let go.

"Go sit down, Spike."

He complied. Anything to be free of the comfort she provided. The comfort he desperatly wanted, but knew he shouldn't have...

She helped him back to the cot. When she released him, he fell back against the wall with a sigh. He was still to out of it. It had only been less than a day. What thehell happened to vampire healing? He wondered, angrily.

"I jus' don' want you takin' chances." he said, opening his eyes to face her look of concern.

"I thought you said you trusted me."

"I do..."

"Then stop."

Spike was suddenly hushed as he had no counter for her words. He didn't know what to say. Maybe he was too tired. Or maybe there simply was nothing to be done. Or maybe she was right. Maybe he needed her trust. Maybe they needed to trust each other.

With a final sigh, he yielded. He was too tired to fight. She knew it. They both did.

"We don't have to talk about this anymore. It's done and over with." Buffy replied, making her way for the stairs.

"Buffy..."

She stopped, looking back at him. His eyes were pleading.

"I don't remember. I mean, anything at the Initiative. I was...I just don' remember. But, uh," he stopped, looking down at his hands momentarily. "Were you...were you there with me?" he asked finally. Buffy smiled slightly, relieved.

"I was." she whispered.

"Will you still be there?"

"I will." the words had simply spilled from her mouth. She didnt even know what he was talking about. She wondered silently what the question meant exaclty. But, some small whisper inside her told her that it didn't matter. It told her that she should be there with him. Even if she didn't know where that was.

Because that's what trust is all about.


End file.
